1 - You arrive at a wine awards function to find that your favourite farm is only serving the latest vintage of their wine. Do you: a) Demand, with a growing whine, to taste early vintages because you’ll be damned if you have to drink what the average cretin gets. b) Ask to photograph the new release but secretly decant the whole bottle into your stomach. c) Willingly taste it and ask how long it can be kept – if one has the patience. d) Go get some beer. 2 - You're invited to sit on a wine judging panel. Do you: a) Decline. The wines on offer are hopelessly young and you've got a blog to maintain with instagram pictures of you and your Ashera feline sipping Meerlust Rubicon from 20 years ago. b) Take your own spittoon with you that features a built-in cooling and filtration system so that you can keep what you spit. For later. c) Feel elated. And nervous. You give it your best shot and feel rather proud of your growing influence. d) Take some lemonade with you to make spritzers. 3 - You visit a winery and receive really bad service. Do you: a) Insult the estate on all your social media platforms. Send the owner dead flowers. b) Cry woefully because you really needed a decent wine to tie you over till dinner. c) Contact the marketing team and mention that the service needs a good spring cleaning. Ain't nobody got time for poor customer relations in the wine industry. d) Service? What service. 4 - You receive bad criticism from someone in the industry. Do you: a) Snub them at events by standing blatantly with your back to them and preventing them from talking to anyone else. Take great pleasure in envisioning them be drowned in sweet Rosé. b) Wonder if this will affect the content of your wine fridge. Vow to drink more to soften future blows. c) Pursue said criticism to deem whether it is worthy, if not, ignore. If it is, backtrack slightly to make yourself more wine friendly. d) You don't know anyone in the wine industry so this hardly matters. 5 - Your idea of a perfect movie a) Silence of the Lambs or Mondovino b) Bad Santa c) Anything by Baz Luhrman d) Superbad 6 - Your favourite work of wine literature is: a) Les Vins de Bordeaux (1959) b) Do blogs count? c) The Platter's guide. d) The back of a wine bottle. Any bottle. Preferably one with as little writing as possible. 7 - Top wine word: a) Vieilles vignes b) Balthazar c) South Africa d) Vodka Now for the results If you answered mostly A’s Wine Snoot So recognized because you have no trouble with reciting all the tiers of French wine as well as the geographical characteristics of all the Old World terroirs. Château Boyd-Cantenac 05 is for Monday mornings. Pinot Grigio is for peasants (only Gris please) and the idea of the English making wine is as laughable as King Canute holding back the tide. You weren’t always this way; at one point you viewed wine with childlike wonderment but degrees, diplomas, classifications and a large Twitter following, have rubbed it away. Still, there’s always a bottle of Dom Romane Conti 1997 to suppress the memories. Your daily motto is ‘In vino veritas’ which you have tattooed under your tongue. For some big wines to add to your collection, try our shop If you answered mostly B’s Wine addict. Welcome to the world of perpetual drinking. When you’re not gulping back the vino, you’re thinking about it or even writing about it. More often than not, you can be found at wine events revisiting the welcome drinks table and reintroducing yourself to every available guest. You like to think of yourself as a wine connoisseur but only because you’ve drank your way across the winelands on your hands and knees. When you see the colour red you start drooling for Pinot Noir. Golden hues get you salivating over a creamy Chardonnay and you can’t help but spout out nonsensical wine noise when you hear the words 'panel tasting'. I would suggest taking at least a 1 hour break a day in order to give your liver time to catch up to the growing rouge of your cheeks. Also think about buying some knee-pads. For wine festivals and events that are sure to feed the addiction, check out our Diary page If you answered mostly C’s Wine Envoy You love wine but most of all, you love introducing it to your friends and family because it’s just too good to keep to yourself. You try and visit as many wineries as you can and are loyal to the ones you love. If someone slates the wine industry, you’re quick to jump on your noble steed- whilst brandishing a corkscrew - and defend the object of your affection. Often enticed by large tasting events, you tend to go a little crazy with all the selection on offer and are even known to highjack a bottle or two at the end of the evening. You don't believe in fighting over wine and believe that most tension can be resolved with a bottle of FMC. If you're always keen to try new things, keep an eye out on our Spotlight pages If you answered mostly D’s I have no idea why you are here. This is a wine site. Seriously? There is still hope for you, Spice Route in Paarl has its very own brewery.